I started posting here at Blurb Column on Earth Day (April 10) 2010.
I am stopping on the Vernal Equinox, or the First Day of Spring (March 20) 2013.
The last three years have been great! I have created lots of fun content and enjoyed putting my thoughts and life out there. In the last three years I have created nearly 400 posts. This is sort of crazy to me, but it is really awesome and fun, too.
From here on out though the content will be posted only on my brand spankin' shiny new wordpress site!
Yup! That's right! After almost 400 posts and 3 years of content I have moved everything over to a new site hosted by wordpress. I love the new home page design!
Blogger was a great, free, easy, point and click way to get me into blogging, but I have been frustrated with it more and more over the last year or so. I felt constricted by what I couldn't do and I wanted to give my audience a better experience. I hope I have solved both issues by making this change!
I have updated my facebook page, twitter feed and even created a Casa Beebe gmail account!
I certainly hope you will continue to read and enjoy all the fun stuff Chris and I do by visiting our Casa Beebe blog.
Thanks for being here and following along, now jump on over to Casa Beebe! I have a new post coming up this afternoon about how we celebrated my last day of school!
Or do you feel like you have to be strong, and being strong means being silent and figuring it all out for yourself?
Sometimes asking for help is a critical component to success.
In many areas of life.
There are several areas in my life where I continuously ask for help. Help from my friends, from peers, from mentors, from the universe.
Recently, I was feeling pretty depressed. It was winter time, dark and cold.
I was coming to the end of a huge, multi-year personal goal. It was time to move on to the next phase and the next phase wasn't going so well as I might have hoped.
The darkness and lethargy of depression settled in around my head, my shoulders, my heart and barricaded me in its depths.
I could have wallowed in this darkness, like a hippo in a pool of warm mud. I could have stayed there, stuck in my own head, filled with images and stories of untruth.
I reached out to friends and family and said: I am depressed. I need help. I need accountability. I need your friendship and love and support. I need contact. I need to hear that I am not a loser who just wasted thousands of dollars and hours and hours of time. I need help.
In the work world, asking for help is called "networking." It is not only perfectly acceptable, but often a mandatory part of being successful.
Today I networked, I asked, I spoke my needs and desire with truth and feeling.
I asked the universe to support and guide me, to lead me in the direction I need to go. I looked for signs and acted upon what I saw.
I am not too strong to know when I need help or too proud to ask for it.
In the business world it is acceptable and a sign of strength. In our personal lives it is a sign of weakness.
I disagree. I believe that asking for help, seeking the support of our village, is a sign of great strength, because in order to ask for help we must show our vulnerability, our soft underbelly, to the world.
There was no real reason for it, but I just woke up and immediately felt...not my best.
My neck is still causing my grief (I say my neck but according to the chiro and massage therapist it is more my right trapezoid, pecs and something in my shoulder blade) which makes doing darn near anything minimally uncomfortable to down right painful.
I weighed myself (bad idea bad idea...I was already in a cranky mood) and felt really disgusted with myself. (My clothes are still fitting just fine, so it is possible that I am creating some muscle with some of the exercise) . But lets be real: the point is to lose some weight not gain weight, so any number on a scale that is bigger than the last number on the scale can play lots of mental mind games.
Then I looked for a job.
Mill worker, granite fabricator, maintenance technician, sales, CNA, retail, and RANCH Worker, Animal and Hay. This is just a snip of the unemployment department's job listing, but all the other job listing sites offer us a similar mix of truck driver, medical field, sales and industrial. This was extra disheartening to me yesterday, because, I was already in a negative mindset.
I debated going to the gym. Monday is yoga day, and I thought I could probably do that without causing more injury to my neck/shoulder, but I didn't really want to and what if I did hurt it more? Every little movement hurts as it is!
I thought long and hard about going, or not going. And I pulled from my memory banks sayings like the ones above. You will never regret a workout. You know you always feel better after a workout, always. Just two weeks ago your yoga class changed your whole day. JUST GO.
So before I could change my mind or talk myself out of it, I threw my clothes on and got out the door. Because it's true: getting out the door is always the hardest part.
Yoga was pretty good. It wasn't earth shattering, but I went, I was careful with the poses and didn't push myself too hard. I got a nice compliment from my instructor on warrior two pose.
There is always thing to work on in yoga, to focus on. Keeping the front shin/calf straight and leaning into that front hip, keeping the hips aligned are all part of what the focus of warrior two is (among other things).
After yoga, I headed home for a quick shower and then to the chiro for another massage and adjustment. I had a new massage therapist. She had really great energy for me yesterday. She is also a yogi, so we were able to incorporate some of the common language of yoga to help discuss stretches I should do, breathing I should do to help with the massage, and she also has a similar mindset to my typical mindset. She was half counselor/half massage therapist. It was really helpful for me to hear someone else saying to me the things that I often say to myself and to others.
See, the universe really does know what we need, even when we aren't necessarily in the right frame of mind.
My chiropractor also gave me a little pep talk and told me to quit being so damn hard on myself. I love that about her.
I often suffer from an all or nothing mentality, and this neck/shoulder pain thing is, well painful, but that pain can also cause stress (stress can make the pain worse, too), but also it is a mental thing because I am trying so hard to stay motivated to keep my activity up, to focus on being active to be healthy and to lose weight, that this pain issue makes me so frustrated! I feel like a big roadblock has been thrown up in my path and that just as I am mentally in a good place to be active and start doing it, then BOOM, physical issues that want to stop me.
Did the rest of my day turn around and become amazing? No. Not really. But I was no longer in a mental fight with myself. I DID go to yoga, I did take care of myself, I did eat healthy.
Today, I am still in pain and I have a day of homework ahead of me.
But I am not in the same place I was yesterday, mentally. Some days we just have those days and it is so helpful to have friends and care providers that can give us a virtual slap and tell us to snap out of it.
I'm not sure if this post made any sense, but I guess the bottom line is that we all have days like "those" despite our best efforts to be positive and to think positive, and that it is okay to have those days. It is also really great that the people I have in my life understand me and have a similar belief system and are able to tell me the things I already know, because sometimes it helps to have someone else say it.
Thankfully, today is a new day and I am going to let go of yesterday.
So, as is typical for me, I go through times of being really conscious of what I eat, and being active and really fulfilling my life mantra of living the life I want right now, and then I go through times of being less conscious and less active and less fulfilling of my life mantra.
This year has been, as is typical, a combination. There were several months where I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been. Then, there were several months where I was doing much better, being active, eating well, losing the extra pounds I had picked up. And then...I slacked off again.
Oh, I had lots of excuses, as usual. I had friends visiting, it was summer, it was my birthday, I went on a trip...whatever.
Come fall I started to get back on the bandwagon and was being more conscious again, and again, lost a few of the pounds I had picked up.
But then...I allowed myself to be distracted again. A few of those lost pounds were found again.
I must say I am disappointed in myself. I wanted to be more fit than I am right now.
But at the same time, I have to give myself some props because I still have yet to give up! I haven't thrown in the towel and I continue to pick myself back up, increase my awareness and my activity levels and re-focus on my overall health. This is such a change from my behavior of years past. I would let myself get to the point where I was very overweight and so unhappy.
With age, time and "wisdom" I have been able to shorten the time span of being "off the wagon" and am able to re-focus sooner.
In this vein, over the last couple of days I have been working on cleaning up my diet. I do pretty well in the morning and less well in the afternoon. Today I committed to not having any sweets. I took the sweets we did have, put them in a baggie, gave them to Chris and said to get them out of my house. I don't know where they are or what he did with them and that is a good thing!
I also decided it was time to put some activity back into my life. I headed out for a walk. It was a beautiful day, cold, clear and dry.
I walked for just shy of 3 miles in about 50 minutes...not fast but at least I got out there. I came home and did 10 minutes of abs work, too.
Later, I thought to myself "I need a goal!" Here it is:
I signed up to run the Happy Girls Half Marathon Memorial Day weekend 2013 in Bend, Oregon. My friend Kelsey is joining me because she is such a good sport!
The Happy Girls Half is a women's only event taking place in Bend along the Deschutes River, through part of the town of Bend and back into the park near the river. I'm really looking forward to it! This will be my third half marathon and my plan at this point is to try and run most if not all of it.
Just like last year and the Helvetia Half Marathon, I have plenty of time to get back to training and actually run this event.
Now I have my goal and a friend to keep me accountable. Hopefully this will also help keep me focused on other healthy living choices such as better food and more activity overall.
Are you thinking about any fitness events in 2013?
On Saturday Morning I headed out in a grey drizzle to meet my friend Allison and her boyfriend Corey in Ashland to participate in the Monster Dash 5k. I decided totally last minute to do this event after seeing a sign advertising it on campus.
The entry fee was only $20!
I wasn't too thrilled with the weather, but kept my fingers crossed that Ashland would be a bit drier than Medford. As luck would have it, as soon as I started to head South the drizzle stopped and we avoided getting rained on the entire time!
I met Allison and Corey at their place and we walked the 2-ish miles to the start line.
The 1 mile kids fun run was just getting started when we got there so we stood by and watched that. It was great! So many active, happy, smiley kids and their parents in fun costumes! This little guy was adorable:
I did ask his mom before snapping a pic. I didn't want to be random stranger taking photos of little kids.
I also liked this guys costume:
Rock on, man!
Not everyone was in costume, but a lot of people were. It was a fun crowd!
We had a bit to wait before our start time.
Hey look! The Oscar Mayer Halloweenie Mobile!!
Just after 10:45 the gun went off and we headed off on our 5k. We jogged a tiny bit at the start, but due to the entire first 1/2 of the event being up hill our jogging didn't last long. We just walked and enjoyed visiting. Allison is from California and thinks Oregon is so beautiful with all the trees (it is) so she enjoyed the scenery.
Halfway!
Thankfully it was all down hill from there! The course was an out-and-back, up hill for the first half and down hill for the second. We didn't break any records or anything, finishing in about 49 minutes (my official time is 49 and change but Allison's was 47 and change, yet we crossed the finish at the same time and it was not a chip-timed event). I came in second to last for my age group and second to last overall for the women. Ha! We certainly weren't in a hurry!
There were no medals for this small event, but I did get my tech tee!
Later on I was thinking about "stuff" and I realized that 10 years ago I would not have been to do this, especially without any official training or planning. What I mean is: 10 years ago I was overweight and unfit. I may still be heavier than I want to be, but I have made lots of other changes in my life to be "healthier," including being more active in general.
I walked 2 miles to the start, 3.1 miles for the event and then walked another 2 miles back to my car, meaning I walked a little over 7 miles on Saturday without even batting an eye. Sure I was getting tired and a bit sore by the end, but I never even thought about whether or not I could do it! 10 years ago I wouldn't have been able to.
It is really nice to think about a different benchmark for my health and fitness besides the number on the scale or the size of my jeans. I *AM* healthier and more fit than I was 10 years ago. I *chose* to go walk for 7 miles for something fun to do. It is a different mindset and one that I am glad I have cultivated. It is a prime example of me following my life motto: live the life I want right now!
I had a great time, and a big thank you to Allison and Corey for participating with me!
Are you healthier now than in the past? Did you do a race this weekend?
"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury."
--E. H. Chapin
Once again synchronicity has occurred in life. When I notice synchronicity happening, I feel it is important to stop and listen to what the universe is trying to tell me.
A couple of weeks ago I had to write a paper for a class called a "Family of Origin" paper. I had to analyze my own family growing up, and how I experienced conflict within that dynamic. I then had to reflect upon how my experiences impacted me and influenced my conflict style as an adult.
In writing the paper I began to realize that even though I had to deal with some pretty horrific stuff as a child, in many ways what I was exposed to ended up being a benefit to me in my adult life. It showed me thing things I did NOT want in my own life. It showed me things I would NOT tolerate in my own life.
The next day I saw the quote I referenced in my last post, from Oprah Winfrey.
"True forgiveness is when you can say: thank you for that experience."
I came to some level of awareness that I was open to the idea of forgiveness.
You see, the first time I was told, several years ago, that I could forgive the person who trespassed against me, I was violently opposed to the idea. The very thought angered me.
Because.
Because this person will never apologize.
Or accept responsibility for their actions.
They will never acknowledge the hurt they caused.
So I wrote the paper. I came to some realizations about my past experiences. I was open to the idea. Then I went to class and we spent an entire class period talking about what forgiveness is.
The process of forgiving.
And more importantly:
What Forgiveness Is Not.
The process of forgiveness begins with being ready. A step I have achieved.
Then moving on to deciding to forgive.
Then forgiving.
And in some cases, mine included, the process of deciding and forgiving happens over and over. I decide to forgive and forgive and then I may be reminded of the transgression. I may feel anger, hurt and resentment all over again. In that moment I have to re-affirm my decision to forgive. And then practice that forgiveness. I do not believe that forgiveness is one, single linear act.
Here is what forgiveness is not:
Forgiveness is not condoning.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not excusing.
Forgiveness is a way to move YOURSELF beyond the pain and anger of the act.
Forgiveness is a way to expunge the hurt and poison from your own soul.
Forgiveness requires nothing of the trespasser. They do not need to apologize, explain, acknowledge or accept responsibility.
Because.
Because forgiving is not about them. Or what they did.
Forgiveness is about you.
Forgiveness is about repairing your own soul and heart.
Forgiveness is about letting go of something that is not about you and creating room for healing within you.
I do not believe that the trespasser has any part in the equation of forgiveness. They do not need to be informed of forgiveness. There does not need to be reconciliation.
Forgiveness is for you.
Synchonicity brought these successive ideas into my realm. And I listen. I process. And now I share this with you. I think the message is something the universe wants us all to hear.
"True forgiveness is when you can say: thank you for that experience."
~Oprah Winfrey
The above quote caught my attention this week.
There are areas of our lives, usually long ago in our pasts, but not always, that are wounds in our souls.
We experienced something at the hands of others that caused us hurt.
That injured us, physically, mentally or emotionally.
And very often it is only with life experience, and the benefit of hindsight that we are able to look back on the hurt and find some measure of benefit.
My childhood had experiences of great harm.
It has taken me many years to work through the pain and emotional scars left behind.
Recently, though, I realized that the experience, horrible and painful at the time and for many years after, has given me some greater insight into certain areas of life.
I'm not saying I couldn't have gained that insight in a less painful or emotionally devastating way, but the experience itself provided me with a benefit that I can now see and verbalize.
I still have no wish to be in contact with the perpetrator of my experience, but I can look at the experience in a different light.
I can see with different eyes.
The forgiveness, the letting go of the anger and hate and resentment, is not for the perpetrator of these acts.
It is for ME.
It is to release the toxic energy from my soul that has lived there for far too long.
It is to brush away the dirt from my heart.
It is to push back the curtain that has been covering my inner light, darkened and obscured by old wounds and hurts.
Forgiveness is not for the other...it is for me, and you.
Do you have a hurt in your life, one that has festered and swelled, blocking out your light and spirit?
Are you able to look for the benefit of the experience?
Did it teach you something about yourself? Your resilience? Your strength? Your power?
Can you find some insight?
I encourage you, peel back the cover on that dark place in your heart, and see if you can look at the hurt with different eyes.
See if you can find a way to say "Thank you for that experience".
See if there is a way to say: that experience helped me to grow as a person.
See if there is room there to forgive.
Not for the other...but for yourself...so you can heal and move forward.
